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Rubik's Cube Porn

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» Dear anonymous complainers
I forgot I had this journal.

I will endeavour to give you some satisfaction by posting some things to satiate your twisted appetites.

» You can’t find it on the internet
One of the things that first drew me into this cess pool of cube porn was the promise that everything has been done and is already on the internet. Because I was willing to pay quite a large sum of money to see cube porn performed. I’m not the least bit interested in ping pong balls, but a Rubik’s would be a head trip, to say the least. The internet promises so much, yet frequently gives so little. I spent hours searching for the ultimate porn trick, but to no avail. I tried google combinations backwards and forwards, inside and outside and continued to get nada. The only straight hit is for someone excited about speedcubing. Just as with real porn, there are those who become excited by the fastest things. I also had a hit of some kind that took me to a site that said “Rubik’s Cube + Sex and you thought I was a weirdo, in the entire history of the internet 9 people have searched for this.” I’m not sure if I’m happy I’m not alone, or disappointed I wasn’t the first. That’s the nature of the internet.

The fact of the matter is that there is every conceivable type of porn out there for people who are into all sorts of crazy and kinky things. Except the Rubik’s cube. Because, inherently, its not perceived to be sexy. Even if we’re all beginning to see that’s not the case. Ultimately, the cube should never appear on the internet in the kind of pornographic incident we’ve described.
» Cube Porn – common misconceptions
When Rubik’s cube porn comes up in conversation, and you’d be surprised how often I can make this happen, the first thing to deal with is misconceptions. I ask you, now, to think of what you think cube porn is. Or at least think back to when you first saw those magical words. It captured your imagination, in some way, no doubt, or else you wouldn’t have made it this far. Think hard. Deep inside, you must have created some kind of idea as to what cube porn is. There isn’t any truly right or wrong answer, your cube porn is just as valid as mine. I’ve actually been intrigued to hear so many ideas that I could honestly never have thought of. So to begin, lets warm up our brains by examining the common preconceptions of cube porn.

The most innocent of ideas puts it as a fetish. It proposes that an individual, male or female, could become sexually aroused by watching someone else completing a Rubik’s cube. Or for the more tactile, that the sensation of actually turning the cube could prove exciting. Neither of these seem particularly far fetched when I think about them. There is something sexy about watching people complete a cube. Not in a jerking off infront of the computer kind of way, but in a more subtle way. The cube finally gives us a visual metaphor for braininess. Being smart is sexy, but its not something you can put into photographic porn. The cube on the other hand, is smart sexiness made actual. As for the sensations of turning the cube, well, there are those who are aroused by far lesser things.

The most common idea of Rubik’s cube porn seems to stem from the commercialization of pornography we have now seen sweep the world. The idea informs us that porn is everywhere, and thus, why wouldn’t porn have made it onto a cube? Usually boys, the proponents of this form of cube porn believe that it involves pictures of “naked chicks” being used to cover the sides of a Rubik’s. Usually these are done in such a way that when the cube is solved, the girl is completed, although some boys like the idea of each individual sticker bearing its own naked girl. Usually these are the boys who find it difficult to solve a cube face. The third idea of cube porn is a little along the lines of so many film festivals that require a “key” element to be incorporated in the films. This avenue of thought proposes that Cube Porn is just everyday porn, but with a Rubik’s cube in the background, sitting on a shelf, falling off the bed, providing a form of “comic” relief during a tense money-shot moment. A slightly more clued in line of thinking has hot chicks making sexy faces while holding cubes, or rubbing their squared edges between heaving breasts and slightly parted legs. Cube porn is an evocative idea that has taken on a life of its own. None of it could ever have been expected by those present at the ideas debut.

I had no idea that there could be anything but one kind of cube porn. In hindsight, looking back, it does make me look a bit odd for taking it to where it went straight away. Because Rubik’s cube porn, in my mind, is much more suss.
» No Cube Porn?? Now that’s WEIRD
(original article as it appeared in Semper Floreat "Weird Edition" 2005)

Do you know they say that you can find anything on the internet? Did you know that its simply not true?? Because last semester a chain of events were set in motion, and like toppling domino’s in a filmclip for a band that misses the mark, or mechanical dominos in an ad for a luxury car, nothing could stop it until it ran its course.

I had this Rubik’s cube, see, an original Rubik’s cube from the year of my birth, lets just say early 80s. I’d started taking it to uni classes with me and letting people play with it. This was going so swimmingly that I bought two more, Maestro Magic Cubes (read cheap inferior Rubik’s ripoffs) and took them along as well. I decided it was my job to raise the Rubik’s profile, and bring back the one worthwhile part of 80s fashion. To demonstrate this I started giving all my friends Cubes for their birthdays, whether I thought they’d want them or not. It entertained me way more than it entertained them I’m sure. But I’m known as a bit of a weirdo anyway, so it all just served to reinforce existing patterns of behaviour really.

Then a new twist of the Cube came along, the twist that finishes the red side but mucks up the green side. Rubik’s Cube porn. Or more importantly the lack thereof. It should be said that I live with three smutty boys, and one day we were workshopping our Cubical knowledge, and I said, in an offhanded way, that it must be the ultimate porn trick is someone could insert a Cube, complete it internally, then pop it out in the style of so many ping-pong balls before it. I was even convinced that if this existed, it would demonstrate so much muscular control, intelligence and intuitive manipulation of a large pointy foreign object that it would be worth a small fortune to see such a feat performed live. Enter the internet.

Surely such a thing had been attempted, filmed and published already, you might think? Surely someone out there has thought to bring together the Rubik’s Cube and naked people? Well I’m here to let you know that no-one has. I spent hours Googling strange combinations such as sex + Rubik’s, Cube Porn and Nude Rubik’s to no avail. The cube is sacred. I should point out that the only positive result for my extensive searches was to a site entitled “Weird Search Engine Requests.” When I followed the link through, the entry for “Rubik’s Cube Sex” read along the lines of “And you thought I was a nerd!!! In the entire history of Google, 8 people have typed in requests for this.” I’ll admit that would make me the 9th person, so clearly I’m not a total weirdo. Although I am a bit pissed that I didn’t think of it first.

So I ran a competition amongst an elite Clique of friends, with a prize of free movie tickets to the Sin City premiere. There were actually up to 6 ways to enter the competition, and of the four entries received, three had chosen the Rubik’s cube Porn option. We ended up with a muddy and naked boy with Cube genitals, a girl in a Rubik’s Cube Bra, and a boy in a photo with a pornstar (she was a Cube star, so her face was censored with a Rubik’s.) So its not like there’s not interest out there for the concept, but you know, they all just used photoshop - people are scared to get physically down and dirty with the Cube. Who knows why. But I reckon its weird.

And only a matter of time….

So next time you’re drunk, or planning to get someone else drunk, please, make sure you have a Rubik’s cube or two and a digital camera close by. Cause eventually, someone is going to “take one for the team” and be the first, to boldly go where no man, woman or Cube has gone before, and create a new porn genre. And that forerunner will long spoken about in hushed tones in computer labs at uni (and universe) wide. It’ll be weird.
» Test Posts.
I'm posting and entry just so I can see how modding these styles work out for me. So lets see how this goesa and what it looks like

So I refer you to two things in this post.

1. DECADENCE, 9pm, Wednesday nights, SBS.
Its a golden show about the decline of intellectual society in these times we live in, and each week tackles this through a slightly different lense or topic.

I've been sweating on this book since I read and extract in The Australian a while back. Its about $20 from Big W or you can just reserve it at you local library. I found it to be a nice point of solidification with regards to a number of things that I never really focused on, but that have been brewing in the back of my mind for a while. Its about Paris as a role model, about cuts to education funding, about pay for degrees, about the crime that is the education system, about the dangers of business driven situations, about HR idiots, about Enron, about newspapers cutting news for adspace. I definitely rate it highly.

PS Memoir Word Count 4000 + 13 000 in additionals.
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